Author aconfusedprimate

Frogs in the well

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Have you seen the 2014 Sci-Fi film Maze runner or read the Maze runner series James Dashner? If you have’t i’ll walk you through. If you have watched it, please skip to the next paragraph. This movie starts with an unconscious boy, his memory erased, deposited in a community of boys living in a place called Glade. The glade is surrounded by very high walls. Outside the walls is the Maze, a labyrinth of high concrete walls covered in ivy that changes every day. The Maze houses strange, lethal creatures known as Grievers. Grievers are described as amorphous monsters of metal and flesh. The Gladers are trying to stay alive as well as “solve” the Maze by running through it as fast as they can while tracking movements of the walls and trying to find an exit to escape.They only do the running in the day and return to the glade by sun set.

I consider this film as a Scorn/Homage the human civilization (please decide which one after you are done reading this entire thing). The small group of boys represents almost all types of persons that have ever walked the earth. Well don’t look for holes in my plot yet. Its only 2 sentences til now. I know the claim that a group of people can represent every human ever is a tall statement. Let me try to justify my claim.

In the Glade, there are 2 types of people.
1) The ones that abide by the rules set by previous inhabitants.
2) The protagonist who challenges the rules and tries to explore beyond.

The the 1st category again has certain sub categories. One set of people are very happy with the status quo they are happy with the things as they are.They fear anything new. Then there are others who not only follow rules but go super crazy if one doesn’t.
Finally there are some, who after looking at protagonist, think he makes sense, shift sides and start following him out of the Glade.

This is how humans started out. Early men/women lived in groups, defined rules for based on their experiences. They feared any thing new and anything they did not understand. Then someone like the hero of Maze runner comes around and started exploring. So they started moving beyond the metaphorical ‘Glade’ that was their immediate surroundings. Then lots and lots of years later, we reached the level that we had a map of most of the earth. But still we thought we were the centre of Universe and Sun went around the earth (Such arrogance and self-centric). We thought that the earth was flat. Then lots of years later, we reached moon, can now see beyond our galaxy. So, when we started out as cave men. The comparative sample size of our known to unknown might be same as our current known to unknown. The ratio might even be larger, but lets for the sake of argument say its about the same.

Hunting & Gathering : Hubble telescope = Hubble telescope : All that there is to know.


That way we are still Frog’s in a well. Well, not frogs exactly, Frog wouldn’t be presumptuous for one thing. Because we are human’s in a well, we have come up with a lot of stuff and thus my point finally arrives. The thing I have a feud with – Faith.

Almost all religions are human-centric. For all the years human mind had to evolve to its current state, this is very Naive. Most religions even depict god very human like. As per May 2016, earth is home to an estimated One Trillion species. Of one trillion species on earth, God is like human and has set rules for humans, doesn’t care for the other 999,999,999,999 species?

he heaven, hell, rebirth, ledger of good vs bad, what is good, what is bad, what to eat, where to eat, when to eat,what to say, what not to say, what to wear, what to do, when to do, when to fuck, how many to fuck. I say What the Fuck?
It really makes no sense to me. Like Maze runner, some people chose to remain where they are and came up with a couple of theories. Each theory was ‘a theory of everything’. They are against people who want to explore and see definitive proof before they buy into a theory. I mean why the fuck would so many people be so gullible?

It still amazes me that the guys making up stuff without moving their asses have more subscribers than the other lot. I guess that’s why Big boss has better TRP’s than than Discovery channel. They believe they are house mates in a show run by their “Big boss”. He is always watching them, giving them a purpose, rating them, ranking them, eliminating them and if you have been a good boy, giving you a reentry wild card.

I believe though we are humans, we have been thinking and behaving like Frog’s in a well.Just like the story, many would like to hear from a Frog that has seen stuff that’s outside our well.

May be that’s why we have been fascinated by Aliens.

Crafty crooked corrupts

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With great power comes great opportunity 

Voltaire is credited to be the first one to quote “With great power comes great responsibility”. Many others like Churchill have used it in a slightly altered version. Even Uncle Ben (Peter Parker’s Uncle) used it. Unfortunately if you google the words, Spider-man takes the lime light over Voltaire. Voltaire was talking about politics, kings, rulers. Just like the google results, in real world, this philosophy has been in use only by fictional characters. 

You see this being used in another way by the self proclaimed 1st world countries. They use it as “Power falling into wrong hands”. This is what US said to the world when they destroyed Iraq in the name of chemical weapons falling into wrong hands. This is what US has been trying to do with Syria and Iran for several years now.

Side note: Talking of things falling into wrong hands. Its so ironic that in US even a high school kid, convicted felon or mentally unstable people can buy assault rifles. 

Coming back… Some interpret Voltaire as “The ones with power should protect the powerless”. This is a socialistic view. 

Another side note: the communist view of this would be either no one should have power or all should have equal power. You have to agree that this is  funny (if you are not both a hypocrite and a communist of-course) 

Now that I have mentioned Socialists and Communists, I should also mention capitalists. They wouldn’t agree with Monsieur Voltaire. They would say that it isn’t the fault of the powerful person that others are powerless.

Coming back to the topic, In my insignificant opinion what Voltaire meant to say is that – Those in power should use it responsibly. In other words, one should not misuse their position of privilege. This is again idealistic view. 

In real world this same quote is quite smartly adapted by bureaucrats. They made it “With great power comes great opportunity”. Irrespective of the Country, Colour and Creed, people in power have for decades, centuries and may be even beyond the documented history, powerful people have always found ingenious ways to abuse this power. If you extrapolate the same theory and add some general observation to it, you will find that every life form in the world, generally uses its position of privilege to complete advantage.

May this is what separates humans from super humans. For someone to be a super hero, one does’t need super human abilities. 
(On a side thought, why is that the powers of most super hero’s are related to general ability of animals? And more importantly why do we call them super humans and these super powers? Logically wouldn’t these super humans be less human, I mean part human, part animal?)
All that one needs to be a super hero is to be able to follow Voltaire’s quote and be responsible with their position. That restraint in my opinion is the biggest super power.

Selling superstitions

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Sacred scavengers of the society


First let me try to explain my choice of the words for the title. 
Sacred is something to do with religion, but in this context it actually refers to an indirect result of calling something sacred. That something cannot be criticised. 
Next, scavengers. A scavenger is a curiosity of natural evolution. Like carnivores, scavengers also survive on meat. Carnivores always target the weakest animal in the herd, this is because its easier to hunt and also the genes of the weak link are thus not passed to next generation. So its a win-win for both sides. Scavengers go one better, they don’t even bother to hunt, they just eat rotting leftovers of the carnivore kills or on animals that die naturally. They clean up the place, like the garbage trucks of nature. These are not he scavengers I’m referring to, the scavengers I see in the society, the ones one that do anything but clean up.

Now lets look at a human equivalents in the society. Let’s call all the humans that try to make a living with a means that don’t harm others – Herbivores. Now everyone that harms others or looks to harm others is a carnivore. Not exactly – humans also have a third kind, the scavengers. Unlike the scavengers of the animal kingdom that are looked down upon, the scavengers of the human kind are actually respected, revered and the half dead prey actually seeks these scavengers.

I’ve been seeing these scavengers since a very young age but their population kind of exploded in the last couple of hours. These also have a professional names to what they do.
Astrologers, Numerologists, Healers and what ever they call someone who sells coloured stones etc etc

These people just amaze me with the ideas they come up with to solve all problems in life. No job no problem. No health no problem. Deadly disease no problem. Just put some incense sticks in fire, light a few lamps and shell out a lot of bucks for blessings. Just add an extra vowel in your name. or go better repeat all vowels in you name. Put on a stone on your ring. Pay someone to pray for you. Change your god. WOW. yes, that had to be in all caps. really WOW. 

Now any one with a sound and healthy mind wouldn’t be their prey. About the rest, Carnivores do not attack them because they are already half dead. Carnivores don’t eat a dying animal, they only kill the ones they kill. So, the ones who are desperate, helpless, gullible or in other words half dead in their heads are targeted by the above mentioned people. Thus, these are my Scavengers and oh yes, these are sacred. Ever tried protecting  someone from being their prey? The prey will protect the predator here. That is the most amusing fact.

Now tell me how the fuck does adding a vowel to a name change someones life? There are thousands of languages is the world, many with their own alphabet. A single name can be written in so many different ways depending on the alphabet you use. This doesn’t end at changing it, you also have to write your name x number of times everyday, everyone in your household should call you with that name. What the hell will that improve? Handwriting? 
I in fact tried an online evaluation for a name.

The name and Date of birth I entered are for Lionel Andrés Messi Cuccittini.
I’m pretty sure if I make an online payment, they will tell Messi that changing name to
Leoneel aandreees Meeessiiii Cuccttne will help him win the World cup for Argentina.
All these vultures of the society hide behind the shield of religion, call their ‘professions’ sacred, a service to the society. But all they do it search for an animal about to die, slowly eat it while its still alive.

I don’t have the patience to describe the strategies employed by all other types of scavengers.
In reality in don’t have to, deep down you also know. Some don’t care, some are afraid of incurring the wrath of a god who is waiting to punish you for insulting some ‘Scavenger’.

Karma ain’t a Bitch

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What makes you you?


Karma is word that a lot of people throw around, not just in India, but world wide. But I believe 99.99% of the ones using it have no clue of what it means.

The above picture is more or less an accurate depiction of how Karma is perceived in the west. I might have mentioned it before but every time I use the word west to describe Europe and Americas, I get this thought again. Isn’t it funny that we define the start and end of a spherical object? Well we didn’t define it, some idiot did and rest of us accepted. That in a way makes us all idiots. Another funny thing is that Africa and South America are not categorised as west. So, West is a name given to Caucasians by Caucasians. In simple words White people. Coming back to Karma, The above image depicts what White people think Karma is. What goes around, comes around. This is too simplistic, In India, the definition is more complex. There is a endless cycle of birth and death, path to Moksha/emancipation and how Karma influences it. So, more or less the same What goes around comes around but spread across multiple life times. Again a random thought, food for thought everyone. Why do we think we humans are superior beings and come up with all these ideas? Why is all this stuff not applicable to other living organisms?

This is the thought that triggered me to implore another interpretation of the term. Karma basically says, good things happen to people who do good and bad things happen to people who do bad. But what is good and what is bad? Its again something we defined our selves. What was good say a hundred years ago is not good now. There are a lot of social practices that are perceived as superstitions, old school and BAD now. This entire discussion on Karma is centred around what is Good and what is Bad. In my opinion, there is no good and bad. There is only good for me and bad for me. People use concepts like Karma to try persuade me do something that’s bad for me and good for them. Sounds pretty selfish? May be, but its sounds very logical to me. A donation is not good for me, world runs on money and having more of it is good for me. So, they call it a good karma and ask for it. Again sounds selfish. I disagree. It applies to you also. You just don’t realise it. Got a job? Good for you, bad for all the other applicants. Had a good meal? Good for you, bad for a plant or an animal that ended up in your stomach. Oh yeah. Plants are also living things. We don’t know how they feel, so you can’t assume its happy to be your lunch.


Take the example of a social carnivore.No not humans, I’m talking about a Wolf. A Wolf is a carnivore by birth, so it has to Kill. But killing is a bad thing. Not if you kill for self preservation? What if its done for the preservation of your kin? Self protection? So in all these cases its OK to kill. Some times Animals fight over a mate. The most powerful one in the pack gets the prettiest mate, so they fight. sometimes end up gravely wounding or even killing an opponent. So is this bad? Does the animal in next life gets born as a lobster and ends up on a rich man’s plate? Its not fair isn’t it? 


So I see Karma in a different way. Hear my pitch and see if it makes more sense.
I believe Karma is what makes you you and not the way everyone else thinks.


From an organisms birth to death, there are a lot of things that influence it. The longer the life, the longer the learning curve. There are some major influences and there are some minor influences. Lets take the Human example here. (This explanation involves a human because I don’t remember my past life as some other organism)

For me Karma constitutes of multiple things, but the major things are
Parents and family: The first place we learn things is at home. We imitate our parents and other family members. We think what they do is the right thing to do. We decide what they say is BAD is BAD. This is our first distinction of Good from Bad.

Neighbours & friends:
The next big influence is the people who we spend more time around as kids. Friends and their parents who mostly are our neighbours. Here again we start to make associations of good and bad things. 

Daily experiences: As kids most of our time is sent at Home and School. At home the family and neighbours form our perception of good and bad, at school our Teachers define whats good and bad. Anything you are punished for is a bad thing, right? These are our first daily interactions and experiences. Here again there is a hierarchy. Parents supersede any thing that teachers say. This is because we trust our parents more than our teachers.

Next interactions as you grow older come in college, travels, work and all places you go, all people you meet. When ever you do something and something bad happens to you, you mark it as a bad thing and avoid doing that and vice-versa.

Now that I have established how you accumulate Karma, Lets see how it makes you you and how it effect others around you. If you get a chance to travel with me and I drive, You will see that I do two things for sure. Honk when I overtake someone and stop at an intersection even when there are about 5 seconds left for the red light to switch on. This is because, I once got hit by another car while overtaking as the driver changed lanes without looking into the mirror and also I got a traffic fine for passing through a red light. These two bad experiences, lead me to change my driving style. So, this changes when I reach my destination and also influences when everyone else behind be reach their destination. In turn it causes a ripple effect on what happens in lives of a LOT of people.

If a simple thing like a decision to stop or go at an orange light can influence so many things. Imagine what Karma can do. 

My point is that Karma is nothing but things that happen to you and around you. You get influenced by them, your brain gets conditioned to doing or not doing things based on what you perceive from things that happen around you. This is why you behave the way you do and this is what makes you you. Well that and the primal instincts we have. And that’s a discussion for another day!!






The correct prepositions

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The grammar of governments for governance


In the final school exam, English was everyone’s dread. This was because, we did not have a defined book from which the questions came. We had 4 sections, reading for 35 marks, writing for 35, literature for 15 and grammar for 15. Obviously 15 marks in grammar were the only section where one could score 100%, so my father decided that I need grammar classes. The instructor followed a simple technique that I never understood then. He used to get photo copies of ‘fill in the blank’ questions. Everyone in the class got some 10 mins to answer them and then we were asked to take turns to read out the answer for each question. One had to explain why he/she chose the answer if it was correct. If it was incorrect it would be next guys turn to tell the correct answer. If everyone failed he used to give an explanation. Also, he wouldn’t tell us if the answer was correct or not if we couldn’t explain it. 

I’m a condescending person by birth. This default urge to correct people gets me on the wrong side of people frequently and the grammar classes in school have only exaggerated my condescending nature. Whenever I hear or read something, I check if its grammatically correct. Of all the parts of grammar, I believe prepositions are very important. In certain occasions there are more than one preposition that can be used. Each one gives the sentence a different meaning. The best examples for these are our constitutions. Yes, the founding fathers of every country were pretty smart about how they framed the sentences in constitutions. Let’s look at Indian constitution,
Art. 19 of the constitution now provides six freedoms, namely :
  1. right to freedom of speech and expression,
  2. right to assemble peaceably and without arms,
  3. right to form associations or unions,
  4. right to move freely throughout the territory of India,
  5. right to reside and settle in any part of the territory of India,
  6. right to practice any profession or to carry on any occupation trade or business.
Art 25 adds freedom of religion.

There are some restrictions too
Firstly, the state may impose restrictions on the exercise of the right to freedom of speech and expression on eight grounds. These are:
  1. defamation,
  2. contempt of court,
  3. decency or morality,
  4. security of the state,
  5. friendly relations with other states,
  6. incitement of offence and,
  7. sovereignty and
  8. integrity of India.
2 of the 7 freedoms are very interesting to me.
1) Freedom of speech and expression

It means that you have the freedom to express yourself. This is one of the biggest lie in our Constitution. Anything you say can be categorised into one of the restrictions and you can be held guilty. Now a days, going by the News. India’s soft power is trolling.See what happened to Maria Sharapova when she said, she doesn’t know who Sachin tendulkar is? I think if you really put your heart into it you can find fault with even a simple ‘Good morning’. Now Freedom of speech will never work until people are mature enough, and it ain’t gonna happen. So, what we should have is Freedom from speech. In other words a kind of shield or protection from idiots. Our governments cannot guarantee freedom from speech, so I guess for now you have to learn to do it yourself. See a simple preposition change effectively changes the meaning. The next fundamental right gets even more interesting with the same change of preposition.

2) Freedom of religion

Constitution of India assures its citizens that they can practise any religion as long as it doesn’t violate the above mentioned restrictions. But this is again a very clever phrasing of a fundamental right. A religion by its nature is defaming to other religions.It defines a morality that defies common sense. It effects friendly relations with other states. Effects the security of state. So, it more or less qualifies under every restriction mentioned above. What we actually need is freedom from religion. Religion should not allow people to dictate how others live their lives. But its exactly what it does. So, we need freedom from it, not just of it. 

Rest of them though might be grammatically more accurate are also a sham.

  1. right to assemble peaceably and without arms – Are we allowed to really assemble in peace? Only when your government wont mind it. 
  2. right to form associations or unions – Again only if the political persons in power think it does not endanger their ambitions in any way
  3. right to move freely throughout the territory of India, – Big joke again, J&K is off limits. So are various parts of India(conditionally). An Andhra guy is not welcome in Telangana and vice-versa. A non-Tamil is not welcome in Tamil Nadu. Well Bihari’s not welcome anywhere. Well there are some Marathis that fume at the site of certain language speaking Autowallahs. I can go on but you get the point. Right?
  4. right to reside and settle in any part of the territory of India – Explaining this would be just repetition of previous sentences. 
So. in practice the Constitution of a country is in place to control it’s citizens not to protect them. It is a rule book using which political parties in the mask of governance can enforce and indoctrinate their ideologies and agendas.

If you find any grammatical errors in the post, please let me know. You must have had a better teacher than me. 

Imagi-Nation

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Mine is better than yours!


An acceptance that something exists or is true, especially one without proof. Well this is the dictionary definition of a ‘Belief’. 


Last month, I visited Kolkata. It was my first time there and I went with a couple of my friends/colleagues. 

We had just visited Rabindranath Tagore’s home and were on the way back to the hotel. Everything was fine till, one of the friend I was travelling with opened his twitter feed and read out a trolling tweet about the then National debate of ‘Standing during a national Anthem in Theatres’. I should have fake laughed and kept quiet. But me being me I did not, which resulted in a conversation (argument) in which he tried to explain why India was a great country and one ought to respect it, not standing during the rendition of Indian national anthem is ‘disrespecting’ the country. What he was walking was just an opinion, a feeling at best. There was no fact to support his conclusion. 

I like living India and I try my best to be a good citizen. That is it. I’m not patriotic. According to me patriotism is an outdated concept, not valid in the age of global citizenship. How can I be proud of or respect something just because of geographical coincidence? One can only be proud of a thing that they achieve. I’m an Indian because I was born in India and my parents were born here. Nothing to be proud of these facts. Patriotism on the other hand is just a bag of emotions and is a kind of an obsession, its the easy option one can take. Where as being a good citizen is much more difficult. I try to cause no or minimum inconvenience to my fellow human beings. I follow the rules of the land, pay taxes and do not commit any crime. This is my definition of a good citizen or more importantly good human being.
I like living in India because my brain and body have been conditioned to live here. The brain is conditioned to language and culture. The body is used to the climatic conditions. So, I find living here more convenient than anywhere else. For that matter, leaving my current city and moving to another place in India would itself be an extremely uncomfortable thing to do for me. Does that mean my country or my city is superior? Absolutely no. Imagining things is fine but asking others to do the same is unfair. I’m sure if I wrote this on any social media forum, I’d be trolled, insulted, threatened and any other verb that the ‘civilised’ human can think of.
Speaking of forcing opinion? If someone else does that he is a bully, if a organisation does it its radical, if a leader does it he is a dictator. But if you are being a dick, then…. well in this case you are patriotic. I may have crossed the line of decency here but the only ones who would have been offended by last few sentences or my ideas as whole. And the reason I was more aggressive in my wording was to show how it feels like to be insulted just for not agreeing on something. 
I believe this ‘Mine better than yours’ is a primal instinct, a way to lie to oneself that they are in a better position than others. 

Schizophrenia

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Then vs Now

Don’t try to relate the title and the heading, I’m not going to talk about the history of mental diseases. I’ll relate them later in the post…
The above image may look like something from the controversial animation movie inside out. But its also closely related to Schizophrenia. It’s a mental disorder that comes in many a form. One of the symptoms is that the patient hallucinates or in simple words..hears voices in his/her head. Its like… if the girl in the movie ‘Inside out’ starts hearing her emotions talk to each other. Why this preamble… ? Well.. before I narrate something, its only fair that I explain where I’m coming from…

I had a realisation / revelation this week. By revelation I don’t mean I also heard voices…. I mean that I pieced together something I never thought of before.. I had a colleague beside me.. and because I didn’t know how he would react..I put fwd this theory/realisation of mine as a quote by some stand up comedian… He liked the idea and agreed with me.. and then asked ‘Who said that?’… I minced my words a little and said I don’t remember.. 
It is a sensitive topic.. I mean now a days in India every thing is sensitive… So.. I’m not going to put fwd my idea like I did to him.. I’m going to give you an example and see if you can meet me half way through the idea…

I saw in a lot of movies.. English ones.. Kids have imaginary friends. Eg: The 2012 Billy Crystal comedy Parental Guidance. I like the movie a lot. Explains a lot about what’s wrong with the current generations parenting skills. Now.. back to the topic. In this movie, Billy’s grandson has a imaginary pet. A Kangaroo. His parents fearing that the kid will get mentally disturbed if they say anything, pretend that they see it too. The grand parents are initially shocked but play along because they fear backlash from their kids.. Now imagine an adult saying something like that..

What would be your initial reaction? Would you treat him like a nut case or would you believe him. I’m going to give you another movie example here.. Raman Raghav 2.0. Its a dark cynical thriller serial killer story. The killer in the movie.. speaks to Gods. Not just one god but all gods. He justifies killing people based on his interactions with god. He even calls himself.. God’s CCTV camera..
Man hearing God’s voice and killing people because god told him to.. Clearly a Phsycopath..
That Now. Not Then. Finally something related to the Heading of the post… Hold your horses.. I’m getting there.. The then I’m referring to is a couple of thousands of years ago.
Let’s say a man said to people.. he heard god’s instructions  for mankind and who ever doesn’t agree or obey these instructions are to be killed or stoned to death.. What did people do? They wrote them down.. when from place to place.. did as per instructions.. In fact they are doing it even now.. They call this religion.

Let me take a less violent example… Another guy.. in the same period(then) sat below a tree and told people that he realised that the current way of life is wrong… and redefined everything.. It became another religion. Its a prominent one too.

This even happens till this day.. Though the registration process for new religion is tedious and success rate is less,we still have Mormons and Scientologists.. In India several self proclaimed god men live life king size talking about the voices they hear..

This is what I wanted to say… If someone heard voices in their head… Now they are put in a psychiatric facility and back then…..

If you agree with me.. you are free to ponder over it.. But if you don’t then please think of me as a schizophrenic..

Reading material

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Where to write and where not to write?

Paper was invented for writing. Then with the invention of computers and the internet, writing got digitised. Not every body can write quality stuff. It takes even more brains to write or say a quote. Great people are often remembered for their brainy quotes. These are found in their rightful place. In books, articles and other stuff both in print and online.

But there is an interesting phenomenon with some human beings. They started to write stuff or buy stuff written on it and put them every where they don’t belong. But this same phenomenon provides me reading material in most unusual places.

The walls of Golkonda fort in Hyderabad or for that matter any construction with historical significance can give you a very good indication of the number of low IQ couples in the city. In fact their names are carved on the walls in the hope of their names replacing Romeo and Juliet when referring to great love stories. Ramya and Ashok as demonstrated below are deeply in love and want to show case their love to the historians of future and tourists of present. Its just sad that Anil Kapoor’s son choose Mirza Sahiban’s love story for his debut, instead of Ramya & Ashok.

Then come the public toilets. The male toilets in public areas are a small version of telephone directory. (I obviously cannot comment on female toilets coz I haven’t been in one) This telephone directory is a list of all sluts available in the area. Name and phone number followed by venereal services offered by her. I’m sure there are very few women who know this. But anyone who get vulgar messages or calls from unknown callers will now know the reason. Some macho man you rejected has inked your name and phone number in a shitty place(literally shitty place).

Clothing started as a basic necessity and then became an obsession for a lot of people. There are now dedicated brands that sell apparel with stuff written on it. 

People think that they are witty and funny to wear them. But you are actually just showing off someone else’s talent. If quotes had patents, a lot of people would have been sued under copy right law. I’d be one of them. In my collage days. I bought a tee that had ‘I’m what I am’ on it. It cost me around 1000 bucks. 1/3 rd of my monthly allowance. Later with the maturity that comes with age, I realised I was dumber than dumb & dumber to wear it. Even now I have a couple of tees with stuff written on it. But I don’t wear them out. They are my sleep wear and I don’t mind what’s written on my sleep wear as long as It fits my budget. Coming back to t-shirts with quotes on them, I don’t mind them, I just laugh at you inside just like I laugh at my old self. But girls wearing such t-shirts put me in awkward situations. Unfortunately my education and general reading habits result in me trying to read anything I see and if its on a girl’s tee, it puts me in a very awkward situation as they think I’m starting at something else. So a Small suggestion to girls, if you wish to wear something with stuff written on it, please make sure it’s on the back.
Then comes my favourite reading material. Vehicles. People get a great variety of stuff written on their vehicles. I’d actually need a separate post to aptly describe my feeling towards these writings. They give something to think about it traffic. I’ll try to keep it short and just continue in this post .
The names of on the car. Are they his/her children? Or siblings? or just a couple of names he likes? I he a sadist to give his children such awful names? What if somebody reads these names, follows him home, sees his child playing outside, approaches them, calls out their name and tells them that he is their dad’s friend and nabs them? A lot of if’s but its a possibility. You can get anyone’s attention by calling out their name. I’m sounding paranoid but so many vehicles with names written on them and so much of time in traffic can give rise to a lot of thoughts.
Some people also try to tell me who they generally vote for. Some times just hailing a political party and some times they even mention their caste with the photo of a politician who belongs to their community. Some people just write the name of their caste as if its a badge of honour. I feel like running them over with a war rig from that Mad Max movie. Now I sound like a psychopath but if I feel that these people do not deserve to live in a sane society. These people pride themselves in being born to a couple who belong to a particular caste( a result of poor social practices and a genetic accident). These would have made sense in olden days when Caste told a person’s profession. Like a doctor mentioning his profession on an Aeroplane just in case there is an emergency and someone needs them.
I try to maintain some distance to these vehicles. Its always better to stay away from mad people.
Some people tell me their religious preferences. Some through photographs of their gods, others trough writings from their sacred books. I have 6 words for these people. Keep thy religion to thy self. The rear windshield is for visibility, not to make it a holocaust memorial or the Berlin wall. Some automobile owners tell me that their parents love them, through their vehicles. What else does ‘Maa Baap Ki Dua’ behind a vehicle mean? 
Some people advertise the financial source of the purchase of the vehicle. I’m not talking about the ‘Financed by State Bank of India’ on a Cab. I’m talking about the Mom’s gifts and Dad’s gifts. You are a spoilt brat,  good that you know it but why tell me? Unless your sponsor is generous enough to buy me a vehicle too, why would I care?
Some people tell me their profession. Especially lawyers, judges, politicians and doctors. I wonder if there is an accident, I can stop one of the cars with lawyer symbol and one with doctor symbol on it and ask the former to take legal action and the latter to perform first aid. Then there is also a next level. If one person in a family is a cop, then his entire extended family have ‘Police’ written on their vehicle. What purpose does it serve? Its still a mystery to me.
Some people tell me that they are car enthusiasts. This is done by buying a sticker from Team-BHP – a popular gearhead website. But ironically I find each and everyone to be very bad at driving. Apparently, just like quotes on your clothing –  a sticker on your car doesn’t change what you actually are. 
The other type of car entusiast takes a different route. Have you ever seen a rally/race car?  If you haven’t, this is what it looks like..
All the stuff that is written on it is for advertising the sponsors or the company parts that are installed on it. But some people for no reason get these company names written on their normal.. any thing but sports cars. They should be sued for false advertising. Some people go extra length and put expensive car logos on their cheap cars. I never tried is, but may be putting an Audi logo on their Maruthi car does increase their engine output. Don’t believe me? I too did not believe my eyes when I first saw it.
Lastly as if it wasn’t enough to write in all these places. So people get stuff written on them. Its called a tattoo or getting inked if you want to be more funky about it. They write all kinds of things mentioned above. Their loved ones names, religious stuff, funny stuff. You name it and they have it. 
So, these are some unusual places where I find interesting reading material. Well its not that interesting. I use my imagination to make it interesting. If you write something on you or your clothing or your vehicle, I’m going to judge you. Judge your intellect, judge your IQ and judge your decision making skills. 

What’s in the name?

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What are you wearing today?


Ever see the red carpet event of the Oscars or any other award ceremony. The anchors ask all the damsels in uncomfortable attire the same same question. “What are you wearing today?”. They mention some famous designer and talk in some language I’m not familiar with. Apparently there are some nouns and adjectives only a fashion conscious person would know. I’m out of dept here or if you can say – ‘Fashion unconscious’ person.  Every year I wait to see if some celebrity would say ‘Duh! I’m wearing clothes’. But thus far it remains to be a dream of the unconscious mind.

Anyway, designers have their own brands and mostly named after them. They are not affordable to normal folks. For normal folks there is an entire lower range of respectable brands.  In India, clothes were not bought ready made, they used to buy cloth and get it made stitched. But a lot of Indians of current age have moved on from this. They moved away from custom made clothing to mass produced clothing. Its kind of a statement to wear these branded clothes. They are more expensive even if they are mass produced. Funny, Cars actually have an inverse logic in pricing. Rolls Royce is way way expensive than a Volkswagen. 
Where a I arriving at? I just wanted to put out some context for my thoughts.

Every time I see Alia Bhatt showing off her Caprese handbag or Varun Dhawan sprinting around in his skyBags back pack. I wonder if they would have the same appeal if they had some other logo. Let’s say
What do you think? Well VIP is an Indian luggage manufacturer based in Mumbai, it had a lot of good will in previous generations for good quality. I think every middle class family owned a VIP suitcase and may be even its still there. As good as it was. Back to my question, would Alia Bhatt with a clutch branded with VIP logo have the same appeal as the Caprese logo? Its the same purse, same quality, only a different badge. Thought so!!
Ironically both Caprese and SkyBags are brands of VIP. Why would VIP do that?

There are a lot of Indian brands that aren’t marketed like Indian brands. How would you like Madras Rubber Factory tyres on your car? Fancy a Da Milano hand bag? Like a washing machine from Indian Fine Blanks limited. There are tons of brands like this. Flying Machine, Van Heusen, Monte Carlo, HiDesign, Louis Philippe, Allen Solly, Peter England, Lakmé, Hawkins, Westside, Ching’s Secret, White Mischief, Raymond. The list goes on and on. 

Let’s come back to the topic of the post. What’s in the name? Apparently everything.
Why do these Indian companies make their brands sound like foreign? This is because of US. Not the United States, I mean you and me. 

Some kind of colonial hangover in us makes us believe that Videsi is better than Swadesi. Well, these brands are not per say cheating you, they never say ‘Made in Milan’ for Da Milano bags. That would be illegal. They just don’t say where they are made and count on us to assume they are Italian. Italy is famous for leather goods, Milan is in Italy, Da Milano sounds Italian. So the bag must be worth 12500. The similar bag I saw at street vendor for 250 is just a poor imitation. Well the last sentence is sort of correct but the ones before that may not be. 

Apart from the colonial hangover, we also suffer from another problem. Showing off. Showing off is a primal behaviour. All animals do it – when they are looking to attract a mate. But for humans, 365 days are mating season. Add to that a fact that we associate value to Brands. Thus, a Levis T-shirt with nothing but Levis printed on it can be valued at 999 when its actual worth is not even 99. Last year, I bought one such shirt and after a couple of washes, I wear it at home now. Because it just isn’t good enough to wear out. I bought 3 t-shirts from a brand called Gritstones. Never heard of it? I too heard it only when I found them online. They are actually in a great condition even after a lot of washes. You may say that’s just a one off things. I’m not writing this post because I feel Levis ripped me off. If you feel so, you missed the point I;m trying to make. I love cars. Let me give you a car analogy. If a brand new Mercedes or BMW is available at half price and you can afford it, would you buy it? What if I say there won’t be any branding on it? Nowhere on the car will be a logo or a text saying which company it belonged to. Does the offer sound equally good to you now? I doubt it.

There is nothing wrong with buying a BMW for driving pleasure or Levis jeans because you like them. But before you buy something, don’t just go by the name. Look at your options, compare quality and then make a wise choice. Remember Shakespeare – 

“What’s in a name? that which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet.”

Mad men

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How they make you buy their shit!!


Mad men is a series about an advertising firm. When I saw it, I wondered about the aptness of the title. If you watch an ad break on Indian television, you will know that it was correct. They are really mad.

Earlier, product advertising was all about that the product offered. Now they have adopted the most creative, unique and convoluted ways any sane mind could imagine. This is why I think they are insane (in other words mad). 

Always playing a fair game

No wonder English is a language of white people. England is the home for whitest of white people. Fair means both being light complexion and treating people equally(Because that’s exactly what all white skinned races did). Then there is a small matter of phrases like black sheep. On a side note… English, like many other European languages is actually a Germanic language, named after a medieval German tribe called Angels. See, Hitler was just trying to reunite lost families. 

All the consumer goods manufacturing giants in India and some from abroad have felt very very bad for Indians. They cried their hearts out because it was not fair that god hadn’t made Indians fair. So, there flooded markets with creams that can make a crow look like a dove. Some take 7 weeks, some take a few more. But advertising firms have made sure that they make Indians believe these fairness creams can wipe the Melanin off their skins. According to these advertising firms, all Indians were born sinners(dark skinned) and their fairness creams are giving their lives for our sins. So, they need to believe in the creams and accept them. The sales show that this concept did not help just Christianity.Like toilets there are separate ones for men and women. Looking at their ads I started believing that it will be only a matter of time when all Indians will be so fair skinned that we will see tanning saloons opening. Indians can then do what all the other white fair skinned people did and colonise the world, with flags bearing fairness cream logos. A global expansion of this products can end racism by making everyone look like Caucasians. 

Solving Unemployment

What is the most important attribute needed to get any job? Attitude? Commitment? Hard work? Wrong! Wrong! and Wrong again!
You need to have the whitest shirt in the whole universe and this can be achieved by using the washing powder with a technology so advanced that aliens are planning to Invade the earth to steal the formula.

Beating themselves up for us

New beats the old. Correct? May be in some instances. But according to the advertising breaks on my television all hair and skin products are always new and improved. They evolve every quarter. I guess all the unsold bottles of that shampoo that promised to make your hair stronger than a steel cable(but you ended up half bald) sat down, lay some eggs and they hatched into new and advanced version of that shampoo. They keep bettering and beating their older version in their own game. What for? For us. Its just for us consumers. The scientists of the world are burning away their lives like a candle to give your face a powder coat that can last for an extra hour. So that your co-workers can still recognise when you need to put in an extra hour.

Match makers

In 2009, a hoax news was circulating all over India. A man sued Axe after not being able to attract a single girl after using the deodorant. If you watch Indian advertisements now, the concept is still the same. There is only one way to sell a deodorant to a guy. Tell him that a girls skirt will fall off as soon as she smells him in their deodorant. I do smell a lot of deodorants at work, but I’m having trouble finding any skirts on the floor. There must be someone from advertising firm, picking these up before I see them. If you are not looking for something serious, there are some that can help you with one night stands also. 
Then there are other products like tooth pastes, mouth fresheners, shoes, clothing, chocolates and most recently ice-creams. All these products are made to help you find your perfect match. 

Health is wealth

There is a saying in a lot of Indian languages that translates to ‘Health is wealth’. The advertising agencies read is as.. Your health is our wealth. Did you know there are germs every where. You need to wash your hands 100 times a day. Kids are more prone to these than adults. This must be a recent phenomenon. Because one of my favourite pass time as a kid was to play with a stick in mud. That never got me sick. Was I immune to all the germs or did all these germs evolve recently?

Also, there are other products to boost your health in a lot of other ways. There are pills that can help you out race a street dog. There are air purifiers that can covert hell to heaven. There are mosquito repellents where each machine is equipped with a laser beam to kill bugs.


The scary movie

Now that the above health care contingent has scared you enough to make you think twice before you touch, drink or eat anything. There is another contingent who makes scarier movies. The Insurance guys. Perhaps the only guys who pray equally (if not more) for your well-being apart from your family and friends. They show you the weird ways the grim reaper will come for you and consequences that it will have on your loved ones. Only money can turn their grief into happiness. So, you should give them your money. This is how you make people buy insurance.

Expert’s choice

Expert is the most knowledgeable person on a given topic. You have to trust their judgement. Ignore it an you peril. This is why it takes me 2 and a half hours to brush my teeth. Well I have to brush my teeth with all the tooth pastes that experts have recommended. Don’t I? There are so many products that claim to be recommended by experts that I started questioning the meaning of expert. I’m planning to write to oxford dictionary folks to change it to ‘Recommends anything when paid enough’

I expect to add more things to this post in days to come. All this is just the tip of the ice berg. There are numerous other Indian advertising gems. Some honourable mentions. 

There is jewellery to help a girl get married. Thumb’s up is only for Bollywood stunt men. Always take the chocolate that strangers offer you. Then you have to smear it all over your face and then lick it off your face. Women can achieve anything, but only during their periods. Every car is number 1, so if you want one, you have to buy them all.

Don’t even get me started on tele-marketers. Their products belong in noble prize nominations. They can make you grow tall even if your genetic makeup says otherwise. There are belts that can make you loose weight faster than a Formula 1 car ride. What the heck. They even have a cure for diabetes.