The secret formula

aconfusedprimate

An embarrassing truth that Google told me…


The Formula of Indian cinema. Very complex and very simple at the same time.
(A x (H)³ x (Hn)² x (D)² + (CT) + (M) + (I)³) / (S)¹⁰
This is the formula to make a successful Indian movie. I know, it needs some explanation, else it makes no sense. This is a bold claim to make and the explanation may incur the wrath of a lot of people.

In India, an astounding number of movies are released every year. Bollywood takes the top honours. It alone makes more than double the number of movies made in Hollywood. Closely followed by Kollywood (Tamil) and Tollywood(Telugu). The 2nd and 3rd positions are debatable, so lets say both Tamil and Telugu movie industries occupy 2nd spot. You have some background information now.

I was born in Andhra Pradesh, so naturally was exposed to their favourite pass time. The movies. Going to movies is something most Indians like, but Telugu people have a special place in heart for Movies and Actors. I started with watching only Telugu movies, then expanded my horizons to Hindi, English and now even watch Korean. So why do Indians love movies so much? What do they look for in a movie? Like always when I have a question, Google answers. But this time it was different. I did not ask google, I stumbled upon the answer accidentally.

First, let me take you a little off topic. Do you know what PageRank is? Its a patented algorithm by google. It determines the order of search results. Suppose you search for this blog ‘ConfusedPrimate blogspot’, you are instead shown another blog called ‘Confused-Primate’(This is when I realised my idea was not original, I was not alone and there is another equally confused primate somewhere). Why did this happen? This is because that blog had more visitors than mine, so its rank is higher. Every time a user searches something and then picks a result, its rank is enhanced. Google thinks that it is the appropriate result. By now you might be wondering what the hell does it have to do with Telugu cinema or in fact any cinema. I’m coming to the point. Click the next links (I promise they wont install any malware masked as anti-virus into your device)
Google shows the most clicked images first. Sholay is one of the most famous Hindi movie ever made, it grabs the 1st spot. Fair enough. But what about Telugu and Tamil links? Repeat the exercise with just words Hindi, Telugu and Tamil. I stumbled upon this hilarious and very embarrassing discovery (I’m a Telugu speaker.. remember?)  when I was trying to find an Image which has Telugu written in Telugu. This gives you a rough Idea of what majority of the audience look for in Telugu and Tamil cinema. Right?

Now that you have a new perspective, let us dive back into the topic. Indian cinema and Indian film makers are a different breed. Every successful film maker in India knows “The Formula”. To understand a formula one needs to know the meaning of all the variables in it. I’ll list out various variables of a Telugu cinema and then later apply the same formula to other language films with minor changes to the variables. This formula applies to 9/10 major productions.

The Hero(H)

The Protagonist of a movie. Usually has the same body language, expressions, dance moves in every movie.
The qualifications of a great Hero are 
– being the son, grand son, nephew or just hanging somewhere in the family tree of an established Hero.
– Having a God father who is a big name in Indian cinema(not Vito Corleone kind – though there are rumours that in Bollywood it can be big  help to be in good books of Don Corleone)
– being the son, grand son, nephew or just hanging somewhere in the family tree of an established Politician.
– being the son, grand son, nephew or just hanging somewhere in the family tree of a successful business man.
– Things like acting skills, dedication, commitment, versatility are optional. 

Sounds like Nepotism. Yes, it is. There is another level to it as well. If a Hero who meets the required qualifications is hideous, then he has an option to undergo a number of expensive facial alteration surgeries to make his face look bearable.

The Villain(V)

Is one or more of the following. Cruel looking, Ugly, Weirdly dressed, very good physique.
Is generally the actor with most acting skills in a movie. A big baddie is used to enhance Hero’s reputation. 
Since it is common movie knowledge that Hero > Villain. Size does matter. The bigger the better it is for the Hero.

The Heroine(Hn)

A scantly dressed girl who either woos the Hero or is wooed by him. Is Lusted by the Villain or his son. Appears on screen before a song or to instigate a fight. Usual selection process includes being nominated by the Hero or the Director. Should be fair skinned. Should not speak Telugu. Should be open to skin show if the character demands(it always does). Another general observation is that, if there is a new Heroine in town, then all the prominent Hero’s see to it that they make at least a couple of films with her. Sometimes to manage the heavy work load 2 or even 3 heroines can be part of a movie. But the job description remains same.
If you have any more doubts about the selection process of a Heroine in Telugu movies, please drop an email to Ms Radhika Apte. She would be more than happy to help you out.

The Director(D)

The director of the movie is very important. In fact the first decisions of making a movie involve choosing a Hero and a Director. More often than not, One of them approaches the other and proposes to make a movie. Hang on, you are wondering where the story/plot is. Its not that important. It can be decided later. Please hold back your questions, they will be answered later in the post. Every director has a specific style of film making. Spielberg is expert in making you smile even in a war themed movie. Tarantino is an expert in showing even violence artistically. Scorsese will make you hang on to the edge of your seat.
We are here to talk about Telugu movies, so why all this Hollywood information? Its just for an example.
The idea of romance in the bald head of The greatest Telugu director of all time( in terms of commercial success) is to hit Heroine’s various body parts with fruits (That’s right) and capture it in various slow motion angles or to drench the Heroine in water and other edible fluids. There are also some modern successful directors but each knows only a single way to make the movie. So they search for Combinations. If a Hero and a director make a successful movie, then the combination is repeated until the audience forget which movie they are watching. 

The Producer(P)

The least respected guy in the entire crew. Responsible for paying bills, takes care of expenses incurred by Hero and Heroine’s extended family also – during the course of making the movie. 

The comedy track (CT)

This has one or more actors making a fool out of themselves or being fooled by the Hero. Generally includes receiving multiple slaps, kicks and other forms of insults from the Hero and other characters. 

The Music Director(M)

The guy who takes advantage of the fact that there are no copyright laws to Music and makes ‘Copying is my birth Right’ his life’s motto. All his songs generally sound similar. Would have learnt Indian traditional music in childhood, but never uses it.

The Item girl(I)

One of the most Important cogs in the wheel called a movie. Not to be mistaken to a Heroine. Though both are scantly dressed girls whose sole purpose in a movie is to ‘Shake it on the floor’ with the Hero. There is a clear distinction. Item girl appears in only one song. Can be easily identified by the quantity of attire. It will be significantly less than the Heroine.

The Lyricist

More than one is involved. Each has a special skill to write a particular kind of song. Should be an expert in making Subversion and Perversion the central themes of songs. The level of perversion required depends on the director.

The Cinematographer(C)

The guy who captures everything on camera. Though the job seems straight forward, Telugu cinematographer needs to have some special qualities. Unfortunately if a Hero is bad at dancing, he has to make a special effort to make this fact go unnoticed by the audience. This is generally done by shaking the camera when the hero is performing his dance moves. Another important skill required is to make short people look tall and tall people look short. Most Telugu heroes are average in height and if the Heroine is taller than the hero (Her beauty and other attributes would have made the Hero recommend her in spite of the dreaded height factor), they need to put this skill into action.

The Choreographer(D)

The guy with most restrictions in the crew. He has to compose his dance within the physical, psychological and medical limitations of the Hero. 

Last and definitely the least -Story writer(S)

Finally, the story. Once all the above crew is selected. The turn of story writer. The is a sub formula for the story. 
It needs to have :
– an Introduction fight for Hero followed by a song, 
– Heroine wooed by Hero(If some one else did the same things to Hero’s sister, then it would be considered molestation)
– Hero’s path crossing with that of villain (The writer has the license to make it either funny or action packed)
– an Interval bang (this is where you are told that everything you saw till now is a lie, The Hero is a demi-god sent to earth to rescue mankind from the villain who is son of the satan)
– Cat and mouse game between Hero and Villain.
– The inappropriate Item song
– The grand climax where villain traps the hero and comes up with a convoluted way to kill him. The hero escapes and kills the villain.

They have an option to do the same as music director and calmly copy the plot of a successful movie in some foreign language or come up with a narrative that includes all the above requirements and interlace it with 4-5 songs for Heroines to be able to do justice to their remuneration.

The Audience(A)

** Audience here refers to only the male variety.
Audience are categorised into 3 categories based on socio-economic back grounds. 
A class, B class and C class. A class are the ones who are middle to high class. Who frown upon any vulgarity mostly because they are afraid they will not be called A class if they don’t.
B class are there to watch Fights, Heroine and Item girl. C class just watch different body parts Heroine and Item girl in songs or steamy sequences.

Just like cloud software, most Telugu audience watch movies in Subscription based model. The subscription is often to a Hero, but can some times be to Heroine and Director.
There are different kinds of subscribers.
– Default: These become subscribers by birth. Being born in same locality/village/town/district/community/caste as the Hero will make you a default subscriber. They watch each and every movie of this Hero, more than once. They stop all their regular life activities to promote these movies in every thinkable way.
– Common: These are casual movie goers who watch every movie ever made. They are subscribed to all heroes.
– Sincere: These are very similar to Default subscribers but the reason for subscription is very different. They sign up to the subscription plan because they like one or more characteristics of the Hero.


Now the formula again
(A x (H)³ x (Hn)² x (D)² + (CT) +  (M) + (I)³) / (S)¹⁰
Here A is a variable constant whose value depends on the subscription model

In Tamil movies, 
Heroine – need not be fair, but needs to be voluptuous. Hero doesn’t need surgeries.
In Hindi movies,
The plot is always set in a foreign country. 

So, Is there only one way to make an Indian movie? Definitely not. Just like the periodic table, life is full of exceptions. Over the years, there was some amazing work done in Indian cinema. But it gets crowded out by the Formula movies.

There you go. It was a lot of typing but my mind is at peace now. Knowledge is enhances by sharing. I hope to have enlightened you.
The formula might look very complex but it is very simple once you understand it. Right?

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